When I was a kid living in my parents' home, I used to collage the walls of my bedroom with things from my life. I guess it started when I was about 13 and I got my own bedroom. I saw how other kids from my school did theirs, usually covered with band posters or some one fad they were felt strongly about, and wanted something like that. I don't know how it started, but I remember the room at it's peak. After my 16th birthday.
I put up cards from friends who had written a page full of heartfelt opinions of me, telling me how nice I was, I had magazine clippings of women I thought were happy or lovely, I had a huge card poster up which my high school boyfriend had made for me, dresses I wished I could figure out how to get for prom, certificates of achievement, all the notes from a heart attack on my lawn, and of course, quotes I picked out of every day life which left me laughing or contemplative. I never did quite get all four walls covered, but it was pretty close. I could have if I just wanted to cover them with SOMETHING, but I wanted things which spoke to me.
When I cleaned out my room to go to college, I tried to get as much as what was on those walls into a scrap book of my life in high school. I did a pretty good job, and the scrap book is amazing, if I do say so myself. In my new college dorm one of the first things I did was buy several posters to put up that would cover that white cinder block expanse. I found some new quotes and pictures to put up, and with moving every year to a new apartment, it was something that helped me feel like a home. When seeing what other kids did in their rooms, I guess I felt like mine looked a little shabby, drab, and colorless. It's too bad. I have never again done anything as amazing as the room where I was a teen, but the attachments I formed there were possibly a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Still, every time I moved, putting up parts of my life on those empty walls was a compulsion which fed me with confidence and drive.
I served a Christian mission for a year and a half, and that was another upheval. I lost most of the posters I really liked to put up, but started to pull more artwork out of magazines and on small prints from stores, I wrote more quotes to put up on the walls. I liked to see the artwork around me. It made me contemplative, as if I was having a conversation with me, feeding some love to myself by looking at things that had spoken to my heart.
When I got married I was just in such a huge shock that I didn't continue habits that had been so natural to me for so long. We've continued the habit of moving every year, in fact, since 2009, I have moved 4 times. I had bigger things to focus on, like decorating every room of our apartments. When we move, much of the color scheme and decoration continues, so the job seems a little bit smaller each time. I never really considered making a place of my own. I didn't have time to contemplate what I wanted like I had before.
Our most recent move took place less than a month ago, and while unpacking a box, I found some of my old moving wall collage. I knew where there was more and decided that it was time to put them up. A few pieces of art from magazines, some prints the size of note cards, and some quotes, including written "I love yous" I'd kept from family members. This is such an important nurture for my identity. While putting it up in different places I felt the echo of love from the past, the richness I felt when looking at that art, shabby as it was. I've painted and drawn before, but these collages are more of a representation of the art I can create than anything else.
I am grateful, but also amazed. I am grateful that I found these. I'm grateful that I have the time to put them up. I am grateful for the memories which fill my heart when I look at them. I am grateful to feel like I know myself a little more. It anchors me. I am grateful for the love I feel for me.
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